Teen Gothic

Today was one of the most mentally exhausting days out of many for me and my self esteem. I felt confident today and pretty which is rare due to what I’ve gone through in my life. Being 23 I thought I put the best wall up I could have but it wasn’t enough today.

I went out with my siblings today and felt confident in the way I did my hair. I just got a bang trim and a hime cut done the for the sides of my hair to frame my face, I’ve always found it cute and I think it suits me, this time however I went for adding more hair to the hime cut and it’s more noticeable when I put my hair up.

I decided to have my hair up with a clip and I thought personally I looked good, did my makeup which naturally I use dark colors, lots of black eyeshadow etc. I went to meet my sisters in the living room where I was met with faces of shock and then came the laughter from both my parents, especially my father. For context my family is Hispanic and I’m very pale compared to my siblings and look rather Asian thanks to my siren eyes. My father isn’t used to me being goth and being in black clothes or makeup so I ease it up from time to time and he’s always made fun of my appearance and forced me to make me into an image that he wants since he’s a traditional Mexican father. Today he made fun of me and laughed at me because of my haircut and I felt utterly defeated and the trauma came back. Back then I was what is considered “emo” and he hated it, forced me to dye my hair neutral colors, cut my hair a certain way and even made me wear “normal” clothes. The thing he hated most was my hair and always forced me to change it the way he wanted to and since then as I’ve grown older I never gave into his demands and till this day he tells me to grow out my hair and bangs so it’s caused a lot of heavy self image trauma and feeling like I’m ugly a lot of the time thanks to the verbal abuse.

Just today felt different and it hurts to have your parents laugh/mock at you and not understand you want to be your own person and not like everyone else. My mother even took photos of me and I was upset. Defeated I put my hair down as the cut isn’t too noticeable and I wasn’t comfortable putting it up no more..

Eventually I’ll have a talk with them and tell them how I feel, just opening up to my parents is very hard as they gave up on me when I went through a lot as a teenager so talking to them about mental stuff is very hard. Thanks for reading, I really needed to vent.