Teen Gothic

This isn't a story of hate, but one of love and growth.

I am 39 years old, and first came across all things goth when I was 18. My friends and I wanted to go to our local club on a non-typical night for us. We knew it was goth night and that we probably wouldn't fit in, but we were high and bored.

I don't know what I expected, but walking in those doors…it was love at first note. I was floored. This hauntingly beautiful music exists? I needed more, I needed…everything.

Proceed with going full on goth and having some amazing times and memories with it.

Many years later, I've gotten old-ish. I don't listen to the music as much, and I certainly don't dress the part. There's just so little occasion to do so.

But I felt like I was still goth in my heart.

And then I had an awaking, a late blooming of finally accepting I am a woman of transgender experience.

With that came hormones, and many MANY mental changes. I'm not bisexual anymore, just flat lesbian. I actually like some Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift music now. I like butterflies, and pink and purple. I can be colorful and bright and cheery and I see a world full of hope and love.

However…I went through my old music. All the goth music I have collected over my life. And it just doesn't hit me any more. That urge to dance is gone. I know the music is still beautiful, but I can't feel it anymore. The impact is no more.

I knew changes would come with the hormones and lifestyle alterations, but this is a sad one.

I've tried, again and again, to feel that depth to the music that I once felt. But almost none of the songs touch my heart anymore. Maybe a couple, but not enough that I feel like even if I were young again that I could step into a club and find the peace I once did.

So, it with a heavy heart that I feel it's time to say goodbye. Not out of hatred or disgust, but out of love for the times we shared. You helped me in my darkest times, but now I walk a different path.

I could have just unsubbed from here and moved on, but…it felt wrong. I'm not just unsubbing, or leaving the music and scene behind. I'm writing a love letter…and a break-up letter.

Thank you for being one of the best things in my life.

Goodbye. I hope someone else finds you as beautiful as I once did.