Teen Gothic

So, the first time I heard goth music, was in 2011. It was like a sudden kick in stomach. Like magic. Like a lightning strike. Like an orgasm. It was so good, it became the main genre I used to listen to for next several years. I used to know many bands, old, new, famous, obscure, in different languages etc. It inspired me to write poetry. Whenever I listened to it, it would make me feel great.

Than a <mental illness> happened and I did a break.

Now I'm trying to return into listening goth music agaim and while I still like it, it's not THE MUSIC anymore. It's just good. One of the many other good music genres. Not the OH MY GOD IT'S SO GOOD I WANT TO LISTEN TO IT FOR THE ETERNITY music it used to be for me. And it makes me sad. Its like the fairytale has gone. Is there any way I can bring back those feelings and emotions?

*by goth music I mostly mean goth rock,but I enjoy deathrock sometimes too

I never heard the word being used back in the latter end of 90s and 2000s in my limited circles, both online and in real life, but I've stumbled upon a few old threads somewhere where this was mentioned as being used to exclusively refer to goth rock/second wave bands at some point. Can anyone provide further insight maybe with references if possible? I'm just merely curious about the use of the term from a historical stand point and if it was used back in the day (especially 80s) among certain people and how common was it?

I'm well aware of another modern term that seems like an internet label describing a wide array of dark bands unrelated or partially including goth and that's not what I'm referring to.

When I was young, about three-four-years a go I was a goth which nobody forgot. I wore black and metal and I was fabulous and felt like so. It was three years ago when I wanted( or wished) to get rid of my look and be like an average mom. And I hate it now. This is not what I meant to be. Now that I have a child of my own I feel it is my responsibility to look something that I’m not so social workers don’t contact me. I hate that. I have a job and a loving partner but something is missing. I want to be me again. How? I don’t know because we live in a small municipality. I want to feel free again.