Teen Gothic

Hello. I (23) don't consider myself goth. I love Max Richter, Viktor Tsoi, Leonard Cohen, Beethoven, Lord Huron, Low Roar. I also love Dead Can Dance and Diary of Dreams. What put me off a bit from the scene was the constant "that's not goth" comments, so I didn't even know if I like goth. Like, sure, darkwave, yeah, post-punk. But apart from, what, two Sisters of Mercy songs, what is truly goth that I hear?

I do not look goth either. Well, I can a bit, but you know. I'm a person that hesitates to be a part of something. I could never call myself "gothic", or a hippie or something. And there aren't many gothic clubs in Bavaria, Germany at all, so how to, well, find one?

Truth be told, anxiety kicked in. Haven't been in a club ever since my alternative small club closed its gates because people don't want live bands and table football, they want techno (T_T). So…. my grand return. Alone now, because the old circle is… died with the club, and I don't know anyone who heard goth. I did have an acquaintance who worked at the goth place, but she passed away with 17 because life doesn't give a fuck.

Dear God how happy I felt. I never liked techno, I want to dance to other stuff, more lowkey or more melodic. 90s parties, sure, some EDM and goa, ok, but never in my whole club life, and I mean never in my whole ass club life that consisted of being a barkeeper, did I feel like 99% of all the songs played were slapping hard. The people were gorgeous, and it was actual dancing. Like, yeah, free-flowing club style, but there was such a beautiful back and forth on the floor that I felt like I'm dancing with people, not on my own, even though there was much more distance.

I just wish I would have talked to more than this one guy. But it's hard. They're all in groups, and the ones alone seem like they don't wanna talk (but I was very conscious that I must seem the same). When a guy approached me to ask if all is fine because I just sat there, tired from all the dancing (but not shy per se, I'm not ruining my vibe heh), I decided to approach three people and got some club recommendations. The guy… he was nice. Now I know someone in the club. Next time, one more, and one more. I fucking love building up clusters. If only the club was opened more than once a month.

Because you know damn well I won't be missing any of the black nights from now on. Dancing has never been so exhilarating in a club. I'll go alone until I got to know the whole damn club if that is what it takes. I am primarily there to dance, after all, what with that fucking GOOD MUSIC AHHH. Fucking hell.

I'll definitely get some more gothic fashion. I always wanted to, but it felt weirdly appropriating because I didn't listen to the music (tho turns out, I listen to quite a lot of gothic club music). At the same time, I'm in love with the aesthetics, and my favorite writer is Edgar Allan Poe. Somehow seeing all these people rocking these styles, and also the people who just went there casual and gave no fucks, gave me the self-confidence that I needed to take a step in the direction of wearing what I want to wear. Well, granted, fashion is one of the main reasons why I wish to be a woman but it is what it is. I'll make due, hehe.

Anyway. Next time I might take a friend with me, with the warning that I'll stay till closing time (4am because Southern Germany is anti-Berlin lol) and that they'll have to go home on their own if they want to go earlier. This moment feels so important. It's like I found a massive fragment of my soul right there in this hall. I felt understood even. So yeah, I love you all.